FOUR QUESTIONS...

... Solid answers. Battling Gengis Kahn in Beito.

Eager Beaver Nordic Reader: Awesome! This blog post actually sounds like a blog I kno...

Me: FOUR QUESTIONS!

EBNR: Sorry. All ears!

Me: 1) Let me ask you something... how to you make a pie?

EBNR: Err... excuse me?

Me: Intensity. Determination. Stick to the plan. Review and consult. Adapt and exfoliate.

EBNR: ...Right. Got it.

Me: 2) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a BlowPop?

EBNR: This is getting a little ridiculous...

Me: DETERMINATION! FOUR QUESTIONS. I NEED ANSWERS.

EBNR: Sorry. Right. BlowPop... Wouldn't that depend on the conditions and the training hours that the licker has put in the previous summ...

Me: ANSWERS! NEVER ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION! The answer is: no licks. Only one big bite. And that's today. Right now. Not tomorrow. Now.

EBNR: What does that have to do with training?

Me: 3) How do I qualify for the races I want to do this season? How do I stay healthy while traveling? What does the latest study out of Sweden say about double pole technique? What is my current USSA ranking? How do I reach my dreams...

EBNR: Thank goodness! I was beginning to worry about these questions... I have no idea! I need to know! Last season sucked, I literally saw my hopes and dreams ahh-lyinn' on the grooounnndd...

Me: Patience, young Jedi. This one is actually very easy:

First off: Buy one of those alcohol detecting bracelets like Lindsay Lohan has. You know, the kind that shocks you repeatedly with a 9V battery when you even think about consuming alcoholic beverages.

Second: Put your academic, professional career and desirable relationship/love interests on the back burner. I mean wayyyy back. You might as well throw 'em in the damn microwave and forget about 'em. Quit chewing tobacco and using deodorant.

Third: Move into your Uncle Tom's Cabin far away from electricity and the internet, in a place where the sun seldom shines and the locals speak a dialect akin to Klingon, and simply train your face off. All the time. I mean, if you're not bounding or ski walking in your sleep, just forget about it. Intensity. Power. Passion. Also, listening to soothing Christian rock music really helps.

Fourth: Set goals. Set 'em really freakin' high. Goals have to be lofty and rather unattainable, things that you just can't live up to. Something like: "Best in the World...", but naturally you can't have that one because it's copyrighted cooperatively by Thomas Aalsgard and Bjørn Dæhlie but is tentatively being rented to the US Ski Team. Off limits. You could try something like, "Best in the Universe", but that's Captain Planet. "Best in the Galaxy" is Luke Skywalker, so I suppose good luck and talk to your coach about this one. Maybe, "Best within my state/county lines..." or something, but that may be snagged by your local law enforcement agency. Power. Passion.

EBNR: Wow. That was actually pretty helpfu....

Me: 4) With all of this training in a galaxy far, far away, how do I actually land the woman/man of my dreams?

EBNR: I have no idea! I'm so confused right now, girls really hate nordic skiing and they hate the smell of my Bjørn Dæhlie training clothes even more! Do tell!

Me: You're in luck. This answer is even easier than the last one. Just do exactly the opposite of everything in the answer to question #3. Also, moving and selling alot of illegal drugs will really bump your street cred. Trust me. I've seen Blow, Traffic and American Gangster. Do it.

EBNR: ...But you said in Appendix 1 to answer #3 to avoid elicit substances... are you sure that's what women really wan...

Me: FOUR QUESTIONS, FOUR ANSWERS!

EBNR: I'm really sorry.

Me: Battle Genghis Kahn in Beito...

EBNR: That's the second time I've heard that, what does that even mean?!

Me: Determination. Pride. Power. Best in the world. KNOW so you can GO. If your dreams aren't buried under mounds of prepositions and adjectives like power and puke your brains out, you're not going to stand a chance against Genghis.

EBNR: Those weren't really prepositions and adject...

That, young Padawan, is the light at the end of the tunnel. All your hard work, your passion, your lack of deodorant or hygienic bodyspray...

EBNR: There is no tunnel! That's just a stupid photo of the sun setting over some lame mountains! I'm trying out for the sailing team this spring. Forget it.

Me: Passion. Loneliness.

-Fin-

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