Cooking Tips- Training Essentials

One of the most captivating themes in the inevitable evolution of our blog’s content has been the shift towards food preparation, cooking, and the importance of filling one’s body with healthy fuel for a hard day’s workout. I would naturally like to extend a hearty “shout-out” to Meister Chef C. Shield Nabel, as he’s the one to commend for this wonderful turn of events. However, I’d like to pass on one of my own some of my own secret culinary tips. Now, I do happen to be in the know with most of the “in” cooking techniques, such as reusing a frying pan over again for cooking eggs without washing it, because it adds several layers of flavour, and the often overlooked yet undeniably time saving tip of simply eating pasta raw without cooking it, as it saves time and scrubs harmful plaque from one’s refined palate. However, this post will focus on an aspect of nutrition that we as athletes consider to be essential: mid workout refueling.

Now, I’ll tell you now. I’ve found the ultimate training secret. If you’re Anna Schulz, you’re probably bombarded daily by countless “PowerBar” or “HammerGel” or “Run the Jamaica Marathon 2k12!” emails professing to contain the research proven secrets to replenishing your electrolyte stores, maintaining your glucose levels, and offsetting the lovely effects of hyponutremia. However, you may still be confused on the details, and still ask the most basic questions regarding mid-workout calorie intake. Examples could imclude:

How many PowerGel packets should I mix into a typical tomato-based sautee?

How many HammerGel electrolyte tabs should I drop into my friend’s sister’s drink at Two-For-Tuesday’s at the local pub?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a blow-pop?

If you’re still fretting as to properly fuel your workouts, rest easy. I’ve got the secret. And you’ll only need one ingredient, and a special one at that. We’re talking about the MILKA brand Schokolade und Karamel jumbo sized bar. That’s right. You’ll know you have the right one when you see they advertise that it weighs one kilo. There is also a smaller, more manageable size for those of you who might be deemed to be “atkins friendly”, but come on. Are you in it to win it? Power. Passion. Lust.

Here are the steps to using this caramel injected mammoth to fuel your next workout. I tested this method on a hot ride over the Kühtai pass here in Tirol, and the effects didn’t wear off for days, nor did the stains come out of my bike jersey for weeks. But that’s neither here nor there.

Steps to Proper Nutrition:

1. Purchase 1 kilo caramel/chocolate Milka bar. Important, it must have the special resealable “zipper technology” wrapper that allows you to open and re-close your cheap chocolate bar approximately 1.2 times until the crappy and toxic glue wears off and melts into your chocolate.
2. Place bar into back jersey pocket, into your shorts pocket, or down your pants. That’s right, don’t be shy. Conquer the cosmos with a whisper. The goal here is that the bar melts quickly, turning the chocolate/ caramel mix into a low-viscosity mix of pure liquid cane sugar and high fructose corn syrup. These terms may sound complicated, but they really mean one thing. One thing: Power. Passion. Know so you can go.
3. Once the bar has melted, and you’re getting cramps from being so hungry, she’s ready to go. Slowly and carefully open the lip of the wrapper, just the tip, and just for a second, so that you have a hole in the resealable wrapper that resembles the hole of a gel packet… among other things.
4. Grab your lover/ chocolate bar by the hand, and squeeze from below, forcing the chocolate/ caramel medley into your running engine. Repeat as necessary until weak and nauseous.
5. Disclaimer: Not for diabetics. Not for women who are pregnant, or who may become pregnant (Audrey). Not for people who take training nutrition seriously. Not for people who dislike things that taste so good they should be illegal. Side effects include dizziness, shortness of breath, and euphoria.

Enjoy the power, feel the passion. Know so you can go. Looking forward to more suggestions for culinary delights from all members/ friends of Harvard Skiing.

DMac